PORTUGAL :]

Saturday, December 16, 2006

hey so recently life is pretty good and i have been feeling really free and released than ever for a very very long time,about a few years.
i got a lot of things sorted out this year and it was tough yea went through depression yet again and passed through it.
one major thing is that i came to accept Jesus into my life.this is really a difficult and a journey of perseverance,endurance and a test of faith.
many times i have failed,and asked for forgiveness and failed again.sometimes i even threw tantrums and ignored Him.and because life didnt seem to change for the better initially,i chose not to believe Him at many times.

but now im slowly beginning to feel a difference in my life.and im have had this feeling for quite some time.that i will witness a transformation in myself.life itself dont have to change really for the better;it all lies in how one perceives and deals with things.what we have is not measured by material aspects but of spiritual fufilment.as the saying goes,a poor man can have nothing but still feels content;a rich man can have everything yet feels miserable.but the poor man is rich in terms of having grasped and comprehended the meaning of life.

so i have decided to be happy,to think positively.those who have hurt me in the past cannot possibly hurt me now.even if they can,it's a time for forgiveness.and forgiveness is instead the greateast release for oneself.

yea.and the journey with God is a battle of conflict between my emotional self and the rationale side.it is always a constant battle.
so much more to learn,and i will continue to seek my path and take steps closer to Him.

as stated earlier,i have been having a special feeling for quite some time.not really a feeling.more of like a state of being.this soothing calming effect all over me.from head to toe.guess i am more open to things in life and have learnt to take things in my stride and just deal with things in a more positive outlook.
people.relationships.sometimes i got friends around me who don't see how blessed they are.well,i can't blame them.cos this world is such a practical world.and they just follow the world blindly.

despite this calm,soothing state of being,i still feel something void inside me.an empty vessel.or a half-filled vessel.part of me is happy,yet something still makes me wanna cry out all the time.a silent scream.muffled sounds.
i always thought it's love that im missing out.the longing for a special someone to fill up my life.but no,its not.it's more that that.much more.
it's more of like myself.i need to get myself back.been masking for too long.and im so afraid of losing my loved ones.im so afraid.these few nights i would cower at such thoughts.
i need to set goals in my life,and pave my own path in life.maybe i have reached the stage of what you would call 'adulthood'.or maybe it's the work of God.(: something that i will never comprehend.
what's our purpose in life really?some people live their whole life in loneliness.some people live their live in sufferings,some in denial.and all of us,no matter how extravagant our life once was,will still perish one day.and when that happens,time no longer seems to matter.

yea i just feel this need to find myself.like really search deep down inside myself and piece up all the pieces in my life.
yea,and i don't even wish to let anyone in into my complicated life.and relationships at this point of time is quite out of the question.i dont deny the fact that yes,im seeking what love really is,but i dont want to love because of love.i want to love because of the right one,the right person;purely because of that person.
right now,i just need to source out more motivation to get my life going.and start living a vibrant life with a different mindset.need to prepare for a brand new start next year.

happiness is a matter of choice. (:

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo